Learning in a new way

As a follow up to my essay on control I wanted to share about how I’m beginning to value new traits in friends, students and teachers.

I spoke earlier this week about my tendency to flock towards people who are domineering and controlling. It’s something that’s been a constant throughout my entire life. And yet as I’m uncovering the layers and layers of wounding, trauma and gaslighting, I am coming to understand that what I really desire is more open, freeform and egalitarian style of engagement and community.

I began working with a new teacher a few months ago and it’s completely shifted the way I see myself and the material I study. I had previously spent the past 7+ years studying with one of my mentors (who I love and love learning from) who is incredibly controlling and strict. With her, there’s one way to do things and it’s her way. She’s brilliant at what she does. She is an incredibly skilled teacher and facilitator and has taught me immensely.

As I said earlier this week, I love that kind of domineering energy. In a way it helps me to feel safe. It keeps me small and I love being small. At least a part of me does. But I’m learning to grow and in that growth I’m realizing that there’s aspects of me that want to try things differently — that want to move into holding new kinds of energy and potential.

In comes my new teacher…

I had her to my apartment this week to work with me on my sound bowls. I’m looking for someone to mentor me in using them. I was so surprised by the way she went about it all. Rather than the domineering way my previous teacher had worked with me, my new mentor was so at ease and relaxed. It was like two old friends getting together to intuitively explore using sound as a healing modality.

I’m just coming to realize that there are many ways to do anything and everything. I have learned so much from the rigidity of past teachers. I am learning so much from the fluidity of my current teachers. I am so grateful to be in the middle, learning about how both styles of teaching can provide countless insights and allow me to uncover more layers to my own story and who it is I want to be as teacher.